Mike’s Pinoy Jokes Blog

There was this good old barber in a city in the United States. One day a florist went to him for a haircut. After the cut, he wanted to pay the barber but the barber replied, “I won’t accept money from you. I’m doing community service.” The florist was happy and left the barbershop.

The next morning when the barber opened his shop, there was a “thank you” card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

The following day, a policeman went for a haircut and he also wanted to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replied, “I won’t accept money from you. I’m doing community service.” The cop was happy and left the barbershop.

The next morning when the barber opened his shop, there is a “thank you” card and a dozen freshly baked donuts waiting at his door.

On the third day, a Filipino software engineer went for a haircut. He also wanted to pay the barber. But the barber also replied, ” I’m sorry. I won’t accept money from you. I’m doing community service.” The Filipino software engineer was happy and left.

The following morning when the barber opened his shop, he had a big surprise! Guess what he found!

There were a dozen FILIPINOS waiting for free haircuts!!!

My wife got a text message that made me laugh. Now that it’s “graduation season” in the Philippines, graduation speeches are becoming commonplace. Here’s one…

A fleasance afternoon 2 all, 2 me, 2 you, we, they, and everyone. TonAyt I am graduation, and i’m froud of me. I invitation u all to eat our hauz bcoz i know sumday dat i will eat ur hauz too. I will die 10 chickens, 7 girls & 3 boys 2 eat u all & i will ask my father to cook my mother. Thanks you.

Astig right?!

Naghalungkat nanaman ako ng kayamanan sa inbox ko at eto ang nakita ko…   Enjoy!

Host:Name a part of your body which starts with letter N
Contestant:Knee!!!!!
(courtesy of family feud)

Titser:Pedro, 3+1
Pedro: 4, ma’am
Titser:Korek, ikaw naman Inday, 1+3?
Inday:Pambihira, yan na nga ba sinasabi ko eh, pag mahirap na yung tanong, ako na lang lagi!!!!

Titser: Sino ang may gustong pumunta sa langit?
Lahat nagtaasan ng kamay pwera lang si Pedro
Titser: Bakit ikaw Pedro ayaw mo?
Pedro: Eh kasi ma’am, pinapauwi ako ng maaga ng nanay ko eh, gagabihin po ba?

Titser: Class, sino si Jose Rizal?
Juan: Mam di ko po kilala
Titser: Ikaw, Pepe?
Pepe: Di rin po
Titser: Di ninyo kilala si Jose Rizal?
Pedro: Mam baka po nasa kabilang section

Abogado: Miss, pwede mo bang i-describe yung hitsura ng nang-rape sa iyo?
Babae: maitim, panot, puro pimples,pango ang ilong, bungal
suspek: sige miss, mang-asar ka pa!!!!

Dok: Simula ngayon, bawal na sa iyo ang karne, seafoods lang ang pwede mong kainin
Pedro: Ano ho yon?
Dok: Mga hayop na lumalangoy
Kinabukasan:
Misis ni Pedro: Nasan ang amo mo inday?
Inday: Nasa swimming pool po tinuturuang lumangoy yung baboy!!!!

Mare: di yata nagustuhan ni pare ang bday gift mo
Misis:  Oo nga eh, 7 months na di pa ginagamit
Mare: eh ano ba ang regalo mo?
Misis:Memorial Plan

Vocabulary naman tayo:

Predicate: pakawalan mo ang pusa
dedicate: pinatay ang pusa
Devastation: sakayan ng bus
persuading:Unang kasal
Depress: and nagkasal sa persuading
defense:ginamit na pangsulat sa kontrata sa persuading na kinasal ng depress
It depends: kainin ang bakod
contemplate: kulang ang pinggan
tenacious:sapatos na pang-tennis
beehive:magpakatino ka!!!
CD-ROM:tingnan mo ang kwarto
defense: ang bakod
defer: ang balahibo
deflate:ang plato
devalue: susunod sa letrang V
dilemma: brown-out ah!!!
July:nagsinungaling ka ba?

I don’t know if you have watched David Letterman’s Show when he used Filipino-American for his top ten reasons, but this certainly show we are an emerging group in this diversed society to be featured in Dave’s famous TV show..

Top 10 Reasons Why There Couldn’t Be a Filipino-American US President
By David Letterman

10. The White House is not big enough for in-laws and extended relatives.

9. There are not enough parking spaces at the White House for 2 Honda Civics, 2 Toyota Land Cruisers, 3 Toyota Corollas, a Mercedes Benz, a BMW, and an MPV (My Pinoy Van).

8. Dignitaries generally are intimidated by eating with their fingers at State dinners.

7. There are too many dining rooms in the White House - where will they put the picture of the Last Supper?

6. The White House walls are not big enough to hold a pair of giant wooden spoon and fork

5. Secret Service staff won’t respond to ‘psst… psst’ or ‘hoy….hoy…hoy…’

4. Secret Service staff will not be comfortable driving the presidential car with a Holy Rosary hanging on the rear view mirror, or the statue of the Santo Nino on the dashboard.

3. No budget allocation to purchase a Karaoke music-machine for every room in the White House.

2. State dinners do not allow ‘Take Home’.

AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY THERE COULDN’T BE A FILIPINO-AMERICAN U.S. PRESIDENT IS…

1. Air Force One does not allow overweight Balikbayan boxes!

Mga friends!  Got this from an email sent to me by a friend who received it from his friend who most likely received it from his friend and so on…  Anyway, it’s about a letter that was found in some bar in Malate.  It was written by a bar girl to another bar girl whose boyfriend she apparently stole.  Instead of forwarding it via e-mail, I realize that it’s worth posting it in my Pinoy Joks blog.

Enjoy it as much as I did.

Here’s the actual letter:

To Marjie,

I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you. Why? What reason you can think about but you’re very fat body. I’m thought before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I’m realize that he really can’t not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at first, Dennis say he could not stand you’re habit of making pakialam all his walks and always calling to their house what time he go home or this or that and then he say he get ashame to met you iether in school or in his family and then asking you to exercise you’re very, very, very fat body but you hate it you thoughth you’re the most prettiest girls he know about what do you think you are “Beautiful Girl” of Jose Mari Chan even you are beautiful face (to your think) you do not have the rigth to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality because I’m never call you names before iether in front of Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, but if you start already to calling me different name, I’m don’t have any other choice but to called you other different name to like you are a PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT AND UGLY SHAPE girl. Shame to you’re body that is to a BUDING. You can’t not blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I’m am the more sexier than you when you look to us in the mirror. I’m repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.

FROM: THE SEXIEST GIRL OF D.M.

Ps. You say that I’m the bad breathe But who is Dennis want to kissed. Me or you? You or me? And the final is me.

Now, what would you say about that!!!

A 70-year old ‘lolo’ from the province was accompanied by a grandson to the US Embassy in Manila for his VISA interview.

The lolo spoke not a word of English so the grandson translated for him.

The Consul told the young man to ask his grandfather why he wanted to go to the States.

“Bakit daw ho ninyo gustong pumunta sa Amerika?” The grandson translated.

“Sabihin mo gusto kong makita yung mga anak ko doon.”

“He said he wants to see his children there.”

Fair enough, that’s what the lolo’s application indicated.

The Consul had another question. “Ask him why does he have to go there? Why can’t his children just come and visit him here?” The grandson translated this in Tagalog.

Lolo replied: “Sabihin mo kasi dito pinanganak yung mga anak ko.

Nakita na nila ang Pilipinas. Gusto ko namang makita ang Amerika bago ako mamatay.”

(Translation: “Tell him, my children were born here. They’ve seen the Philippines already. I just want to see America before I die.”)

The HEARTLESS Consul was unimpressed as he declared, devoid of any motion, that he was rejecting the visa application “because the applicant was unable to speak any word of English.”

“Reject daw yung visa ninyo kasi hindi daw kayo marunong mag-Ingles.”

The lolo was equally unimpressed. “Sabihin mo ito sa kanya at huwag na huwag mong papalitan ang sasabihin ko: “Putang ina niya, bakit siya nandidito eh hindi naman siya marunong mag-Tagalog!?”

Translated, “He said: You son of a bitch, how come you are here… you do not know how to speak in Tagalog!?”

Taken aback, sense of humor still intact, the consul relented and approved lolo’s visa application in pronto.

go LoLo…mabuhay ang Pinoy!!!

AMO: kelan lang tayo bumili ng toothpick, bakit naubos agad?

MAID: ewan ko po mam, kapag ako po ang gumamit sinosoli ko naman ah!

ADIK: Doc, grabe yung panaginip ko gabi gabi, kasi lagi daw ako nanunuod ng basketball.

DOCTOR: sige halika may gamot ako para dyan.

ADIK: Wag muna dok, championship game na mamaya eh!

JINGGOY: Dad, bakit ba maalat at may asin sa dagat?

ERAP: Sinadya yan ni Lord para sa ganun hindi mapanis ang mga isda..

PEDRO: Anong pulutan nyo kahapon sa birthday mo?

JUAN: Pata!

PEDRO: Wow! Anong klaseng pata?

JUAN: PATA galan ng kwento!